Wednesday, 27 July 2011

pregnancy, on my behalf

I dreamt I was pregnant. I saw myself in a grey dress with a big belly.
Then, I saw I was with P. and we were about to get married. I don't remember seeing the process or wearing a white dress, but we did and afterwards people were gathering for the reception. Although the pregnancy was unexpected it was received well, unlike the marriage ceremony that was rushed. I was wondering who had decided about it and I told P. that it had not been my intention to marry him, just because I did not believe in marriage. He said he agreed but we had to do it for his father. I was in a room with other women, having some sort of lukewarm bachelor's party. I did not know any of them- they came from P.'s family-but we were sitting around a table playing a painting game I don't know. We were drinking something from plastic cups and it just dawned on me that I should stop smoking and drinking. One of them was looking for the markers and I realized I had collected most of them. I gave then back and she said they were finished and that I should through all of them away. She was repeating "all of them, all of them" in an "off with their heads" tone of voice. I did not plan to do this as I was sure that some of then were still functional.

I left there and I wondered for a little while on the yard that surrounded the house. I met P. and we sat down besides some bushes. It was dusk and the light was very odd. He said he really liked sitting on that spot. We could also see in the neighbor's garden. We saw a small girl running towards her house.

The wedding ceremony must have taken place in the meantime because I was expected to go to the reception. People were in the house and I was trying to serve food, but we did not have enough salads. All we had was some boiled wild greens that looked really miserable. It was not so important as people would eat properly at a restaurant later. Everyone left and P. and I were left alone in his parents house. (It didn't really look like their actual house but more like a memory I have from a generic house from the eighties, maybe in a summer resort). He said he wanted to take a nap and he would meet us later.

Apparently we were so late that people started coming back home. I asked his mother about mine and she said that my mom was having a very nice time with hers and that they had stopped to play something between tennis and volleyball at a nearby court.I thought of P.'s grandmother as an old, elegant, lean, cheerful, tipsy woman with black hair and a big smile, jumping around with a racket in her hands.

In the meantime I had doubts about my pregnancy. My belly was restored almost to its original size and I though it had only been two weeks since my last period, so I wasn't late. I found my mother and told her I did not feel pregnant. She smiled sweetly and said that she thinks I had been for two to three months. She asked why I said so. I replied that I did not feel as swollen. I also said that people might think it was a scum so as to get married and that this could not be further from the truth.

I went to find P. again. He took me to a strange building. We went through an underground passage with shops. The Japanese embassy was also there. I saw a beautiful Japanese woman in an elegant white outfit shutting a door and lowering the railings behind a big window. We went in a building in the colour of graphite. Inside the walls were covered with crimson drapes. I peeped inside a couple of rooms. It looked like an art show. We met with guy that was crouching under a platform. Him and P. started fooling around until they both fell on the floor. Then they stopped and looked at me and I saw they looked almost identical. P. got up and introduced me as his girlfriend and mother of his child. I was relieved not to be called a wife. I left them there and walked further inside the corridors to see what was happening there. I took some dust from a box and left a trail with it behind me as I went. I remember meeting another man behind a curtain.

I woke up soon afterwards.

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